Writing is a great way to break relief of all the darkness that consumes you. However to put it out in public for everyone to read, consume, and judge…it takes a lot.
Anyways let me get right to it. I believe I am someone that suffers from anxiety, and depression. I have never sat down and spoke to a therapist or anything, but maybe I should have. I don’t think anxiety and depression are demons that have followed me throughout my life. Although they definitely decided to tag along and stick with me. Growing up I had an amazing childhood, the flaws of society were yet to claw my back, but if I were to trace it back to high-school…that is where it really started.
As a young Thamizh entering high-school I was told by my parents to focus on school. The warned me about the possibilities of drugs, alcohol and violence. Of course I dismissed those warnings and decided to take on life with the challenges it threw my way. I drank alcohol during the first week, got into my first fight within weeks, and smoked my first joint within that year too. First year seemed like a breeze, and I was really naive enough to think I was cool, like this was taking me places. It wasn’t until my second year things took a turn towards reality.
I got myself in some serious trouble, and understandably I knew I failed my parents but oddly enough I didn’t care all that much. I didn’t really think too much of it until I got back to school and felt things were wrong. Whatever it may be, people I once called a friend never looked at me the same way. Not just my closest of friends, but even acquaintances looked at me differently. Soon the anxiety hit hard, I didn’t know if people were talking about me, but it almost felt like they were. I had a hard time sitting in classes without feeling like I couldn’t breath. I walked in the hallways and heard people call out names, but knew I had to keep my head up and not look back. At times I even tried to stay home, and not go out because I didn’t want to confront the world.
I think this is when depression came to play. I spent countless nights, unable to sleep. Overthinking every outcome, questioning why things are this way? Why hasn’t anyone given me a chance to explain? The darkest of thoughts, those so dark that I don’t even want to share have crossed my mind one too many times.
This was almost ten years ago, and those chapters are so far behind but I still think I have trouble around big groups of people. I still stay awake for countless nights, often I get in a car and go for drives at 2-3am even.
If you are someone that has spoken to me, I doubt you’d be able to know that these are things I battle. I guess it is really true what they say right, you never really know all the shit people battle with daily.
I wanted to openly share this with people because I want you to know you aren’t the only one going through this. And the dark places our minds want to take us doesn’t have to just go down one route. Mental Illness isn’t cured in a day, in my perspective I don’t even think it can be cured. But we can learn to live with it. It took me ten years to figure it out, but every time I feel anxious or depressed I store away that emotion to understand how I can deal with the next situation in a better way. Heck I wrote a novel, and I am currently writing another one. I often have to fall back into a dark place just to feel that emotion, and I find it outstanding that I can drop myself into that kind of space and pull myself back out.
These battles are fought with time. Through time we learn to manipulate the darkness into a form of better being. Understand this, the struggles you have faced are unique. In a society where people face common issues, you face a few more. Whether you want to conquer it and better yourself, or let your mind consume you is truly your call.
If you are someone that would love to talk and maybe express your story please reach out! Also if you find my story relatable and would like to have a conversation you can always reach out as well!